In the midst of seeing the finish line, I know the announcer called my name even if I don't recall hearing it. I walked under the arch, and a volunteer was placing a medal around my neck. I got a hug from my sister and one from my coach. I made everyone give me group hug. It was an amazing moment. Years of dreaming. Months of work. Hours on the course. And just like that it was over. I headed back to the hotel and got a shower. I laid down and got about 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I was sore. I was riding the high of one of the greatest days of my life.
I was on the the facebook group, seeing other people post about not being able to sleep. I went back into the ironman tracker app to look over my time, to see the results of all this hard work I had put in. There was a notification showing up in the event messages. Upon opening it, my heart immediately sank.
Just as a friendly reminder, my finish time was 15:18:52. Which now, according to this update, meant I didn't officially finish. Most of you (triathlete or not) will say "who cares?" Whether ironman officially recognizes my finish doesn't change the fact I covered the course, I did it in really tough conditions, and I still got to run down the chute and get my medal. So many people were behind me through this process and on race day. I know even if I hadn't finished, it wouldn't have changed their opinions about me. No one, except me, would have been disappointed. But, it still felt embarrassing in a way to say I finished but not really. It was confusing to those who listened to me explain that my results were disqualified after the race was over despite the fact I finished.
My coach's initial response to me telling her that my results weren't going to be official were, "ummmmm fuck that." Hahaha I absolutely love her. We tried to make sense of a seemingly arbitrary updated cutoff but neither us of really understood. Cait got an update from the timing tent at the finish line while I was still out on the course about how long I had to finish. They told her that the finish line was going to close at 12:56AM. I finished at 12:35AM. She then told me I would have found 2:52 (which I wholeheartedly also believe) and told me not to think twice about it.
My sister who was still with me that morning shared in the frustration, although not disappointed in me for one second. But I'm sure in some sense even angrier than I was to have to witness the rug being pulled out from under me. My other sister had a great response as I tried to explain to a friend on twitter about my unofficial finish.
Anyone I told about the situation had similar responses. Whatever the internet says doesn't change the fact that I did it. I'm an ironman whether ironman tells me I'm one of not. I can't say I wasn't hurt by the updated cutoff. At one point on the run, I still had enough mental capacity to do math and even told Drew and Linden that if they adjusted the overall cutoff in line with the adjusted swim cutoff, we should have only been allotted 15 hours and 10 minutes to finish. I also went on to say that I wouldn't have made that. At the time I was struggling through the back half of the marathon. 3 minutes I definitely could have found. 9 minutes would have been a lot tougher. Drew reassured me that had the swim gone as originally planned, had the weather not been what it was, I would have had a totally different day. And that no one was questioning my ability to finish before the cutoff, on an ideal day or the day I was given.
I cried on my drive back home from Louisville. I felt robbed. Despite the encouragement and outrage others shared with me, it didn't change the fact that I had been blind-sided with DNF. I don't think there is any shame in DNF, especially not on the tough day we were dealt. I said going into the race, that no matter what happens I was going to be proud of myself for the effort I put forth up until that point. I declared that even embarking on this ironman journey was a big, bold, brave thing. I believe that. Ironman isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. But when you spend an entire day racing based on a certain piece of information, just to find out after the race is over that you don't have correct information, it just plain sucks. It makes me wonder how many of the people that run ironman events have actually participated in them. Knowing course cutoffs is a critical piece of information, especially for slower athletes like myself.
There are all sorts of discussions happening surrounding this debacle. Some people question whether or not those of us that received a DNF after-the-fact would have been able to finish the race under the original time constraints to begin with. Some people told us to train harder and try again. Had I truly DNF'ed, I don't think these comments would have seemed so elitist. One of the things I love about triathlon is the wide variety of people you find on the course, from professionals to recovering addicts to average Janes like myself. There are so many reasons people test themselves through ironman. To assume someone didn't train hard enough, or phoned it in because they thought they had extra time to finish is just ignorant. I am grateful that all the people I know and who I had direct conversations with about this don't share that same attitude.
I submitted an inquiry through the tracker app about my finish time and the updated cutoff. I received a standard response about the math behind the update cutoff and that it was determined after the race because they had no good way of figuring it out or communicating it during. It really left me feeling sour about ironman. I know they are a corporation. I know they are in it for the money. A lot of the things that I've experienced as a back-of-the-pack-er already have me feeling like ironman doesn't care about their athletes, especially the slower ones. It's hard to be offended by the elitist comments people make when it sometimes seems like ironman themselves try to cultivate that mentality.
On the flip side, their motto is "anything is possible." This morning Cait messaged me asking if I had seen someone's post about his finish time being reinstated. I had not. But I went over to the group and read through the thread. After that, I replied to the previous response I got about cutoff times. I never disagreed with an updated cutoff. But, it's hard to race when you don't have all the information you need. How could I possibly have done anything differently when I didn't know I was so close to making the cutoff that didn't even exist yet? It really is mind boggling. At this point, over a week later, I had already accepted my fate. I knew my results weren't official, but that I finished. I had my medal, although I honestly thought about throwing it away. Not even kidding a little bit. I didn't want to look at it. It was just a reminder of how close I really got. But then something unexpected happened.
Just when I thought ironman truly couldn't care less, I got this response. And just as when I first stepped onto the carpeted finish line, I shouted "fuck yeah!" in the middle of the lab at work today. I went home on my lunch break and cried. My emotions are always on a rollercoaster. But the last 10 days have been wilder than I could have imagined. I know I didn't need ironman to recognize my finish for me to consider myself an ironman. What makes someone an ironman isn't race results on the internet. It's the early morning workouts. It's the long hours alone on my bike trainer. It was 139 miles in the rain and cold that I toughed out on race day. But, it is nice for them to acknowledge the poor communication and the overall crappy situation and change my results back to being an official finisher. This outcome is the difference between me racing this event again or not. I look forward to a sunnier day on the Louisville course.
I did want to say a few words to a few people...
Nicole - Thank you for making the trip down to be at my race. I was only as calm as I was because you were there. I know it was a miserable day to spectate a race just as it was to race the race. But you stuck it out til almost 1AM. Thanks for keeping the rest of the family updated. I know we didn't do much and I know it went by fast (at least for me) but I truly am glad you were there to see me come down the finisher's chute. Full circle from giving my first triathlon medal 7 years ago.
To the rest of my family - thanks for all the support from afar. It would have been nice to have you there but I know you were thinking of me. I was happy to read the notes you all wrote for my special needs bag. Thank you for being proud of me even when I felt like I no longer deserved the accolades. But of course thank you for reminding me that I fought for my day and earned it whether my results were "official" or not.
Caitlin - Oh my gosh. I could write a whole post just for you. You started triathlon only a little bit before I did. But as our friendship grew, so did we both into the sport. The dream of my ironman finish line always had you there. Thank you for making that part of this dream a reality. I am so grateful to have you for a coach but more so to have you as my friend. Never have you made me feel like I am less than because of what I look like or the pace I go. (although my own insecurities try to get me to think that way sometimes). Thank you for seeing me through some of the toughest times. You've always supported, prioritized, and tried to understand my ongoing battle with mental health. It's been an amazing season. I finally broke 8 hours for 70.3, I did my first ironman which included a marathon PR, and just return to triathlon after 2.5 years and staying injury free this season were wins without all the other great things. I am so so excited to continue this journey together.
Drew - Thank you for being out on the course. You could have just as easily stayed back at the finish line with everyone else but instead you were out on the bike, checking in with me. Thanks for telling me the pain I was in was normal. Thanks for telling me to drink some coke. They may seem like little things, but when all my energy was being spent on continuing to move forward, they were much needed reminders.
Linden - I've said it already a few times, but thanks doesn't feel like enough. I hope you know how much of an impact your seemingly random act of kindness had on my race day and on me in general.
And thanks to everyone who cheered me on and congratulated me.
Thanks for reading these entries if you did/if you made it this far. I hope you enjoyed the insight into what was a very interesting first ironman experience.
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